Keepin’ It Real Rewinds 11

****If you happen to be new to our blogging family, you might need to catch up on the KIRR posts numbers 1-10 HERE.****

I’ve avoided writing this post for weeks now, because this point of our journey is still painful to look back on.  However, I’m once again overwhelmed with an undeserving gratefulness to God for allowing our babies to survive and thrive in an “impossible” pregnancy. We owe Him all the glory!

Brad and I drove home separately from the doctor’s office after discovering the fourth heartbeat, beating inside my petite 5’2 on a “tall day” body.  I remember driving home in silent, numb, emotionless, disbelief of our new “reality”. The sheer number took a far second to the complication of the mono-mono twinning complication.  I just couldn’t understand why God would grant my request to be pregnant with what seemed to be a death sentence for not one, but four healthy beating heartbeats, that were doubling their size daily.  Babies full of life with knee joints, and brainwaves, and eyelids…

8 week fetus

I questioned if I was responsible for this tragedy.

I questioned how our marriage would sustain this trial…

How could I physically withstand this pregnancy?

Would my faith be compromised?

How would I explain this to our family and friends?

An overpowering nausea came over me that wasn’t simply morning sickness.

When Brad and I were reunited at home, we decided to call a trusted friend in the medical field to come talk with us.  He immediately headed our way with his wife, and stayed with us late into the night; Listening, grieving with us, and offering us his guidance.

It was a very dark time in our lives.  The most difficult days we’ve ever faced.  Much darker than infertility, and even more dim than the uncertain days of the NICU.

Our “best case scenario” (from the medical stand point) was for one or more of the babies to absorb or disappear, which was a real possibility in the first trimester.  We prayed for life.  We prayed for God to sustain ALL of their lives, but if He chose to take one or more of them, that He would do so for the sake of the other’s survival.  That, my friends, is a difficult prayer to pray.  It was a prayer for life, but it was also a prayer for death. It’s a prayer that brings me to tears as I type this very moment.

Here’s the blog entry written a few days following our appointment:

Pray for our babies….

Brad and I would covet your fervent prayers during the next few weeks. We found out on Tuesday that our babies are in an even higher risk category than originally thought. We appreciate your support and love. We trust God’s sovereignty over this situation.

His grace was sufficient, even in our darkest hour…

14 thoughts on "Keepin’ It Real Rewinds 11"

  1. I can’t even begin to imagine all the thoughts that went through your heads then. Finding out there were 4 babies is enough…but then the mono-mono twins.

    God surely knew what he was doing when he blessed you and Brad, even though I know you were questioning that then. Look at those 4 happy, healthy boys and their amazingly strong and faithful parents.

    They (and you) are an inspiration!

  2. Megryansmom says:

    His grace was sufficient

    The above words speak volumes.

  3. What precious gifts you have been given… besides 4 beautiful healthy boys, your gift with words is amazing too! Thank you so much for sharing in a very real way all you dealt with – I am truly encouraged by your story!

  4. Jocelyn says:

    I love your KIRR stories… even though this one made me cry!

  5. Laura says:

    This is about the time I met Brad on the momo site. I can attest the feelings of complete hopeless and loss. It remains one of the hardest things I ever had to go through. I was so impressed with Brad and his faith, support and desire to learn and do all he could at this time. I had yet to meet you, but I knew he was a good guy. What a great blessing God has given all of us!

  6. Stacey says:

    I just have to share my appreciation for your Keepin It Real series. I read a lot of MOM blogs and read all about the blessings of all of these babies, but it’s honestly kind of heart breakingly honest stories of having these dangerous pregnancies. It takes a lot of courage to open up the way you have, so thank you for showing the rest of us (non MOMs) what it’s like to be in your shoes.


  7. Suzanne says:

    you’ll be so glad you wrote all of this down! love you!

  8. Rachael says:

    wow jen, that was written beautifully. it evokes so many of my own memories + reminds me so much of what we went through. thank you for sharing it.

  9. Mama4Real says:

    I just read your comment on MckMama’s blog…I thought I’d stop on by… I think “MckMelt” would be a good nickname for Stellan… lol. Gonna go discover your life now:)

  10. Mama4Real says:

    W.O.W. I’m excited to follow your story! FOUR LITTLE BOYS!

  11. Mrs. Wilson says:

    I love these KIRR posts. The story of God being God 🙂 I’m so glad that they’re now 4 wonderful and healthy two-year-olds!!

  12. Busy Momma says:

    wow, how powerful. i’m so happy that all 4 boys are here and healthy.

  13. Anonymous says:

    Thanks for sharing the power of the cross in your life! It was only through your suffering that you could experience the resurrection of 4 beautiful and healthy boys. God bless you both.

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