A Chapter to Our Story That We Didn’t Want to Write…

walking through a miscarriage

It was a Monday morning in November that started out with me oversleeping and Brad getting the boys ready for their school day. I awoke with swirling “what ifs” and questions that have haunted me throughout my infertility journey.  Despite being years down the road from being in the thick of the infertility battle, it’s not something that entirely goes away. There is still a “BROKEN” sign that remains permanently attached to your heart. As I struggled that morning with my “less than good enough” thoughts mixed with a little glimmer of what if it could someday be “fixed”, along with questioning some mild symptoms that I had falsely questioned so many times in my life before, I decided to combat it all with a quick pee on a stick in effort to make them all disappear.

{Mind you, Brad and I have been content with our family of six, and had no plans of adding to our family.}

It’s hard to explain if you haven’t walked this beaten down path, but sometimes you just have to see reality, even when you aren’t necessarily wanting anything to change.

I waited for two whole minutes with very little anxiousness or hope.  I had done this a million times before, and knew the drill well. Just get it over with, so I can delete these questions from my head.

But then an unmistakable positive sign appeared. 

My heart jumped from my chest. How would I tell Brad?  Do I tell him now?  How is he going to react?  What is this going to do to our family?  OH MY GOODNESS, I DIDN’T KNOW I COULD MAKE A PREGNANCY TEST TURN POSITIVE ON MY OWN!!!!!

I called Brad into our bedroom and he had THE BEST reaction I could have ever experienced. He was overjoyed. Together we were elated, even though we knew this was going to change everything. It was a beautiful memory as we held each other and shed tears together of surprise, joy, and thankfulness for this God-given gift of life.

…………………………..

At 5 weeks we experienced the joy of seeing the indescribable beauty of a beating heart, and the confirmation that this was in fact real. We celebrated with our doctor, ultrasound techs, nurse, and staff, that became like family to us during our scary high-risk pregnancy. I cherished our little secret for weeks, hiding sicknesses, and struggling through the mommy-guilt that life on the couch brings during the holiday season. Brad was so anxious to share our news with the world, but I urged him to patiently wait a little longer to make sure we were in the clear.

We had a follow-up scheduled for just after Christmas, but we decided to share our secret with our immediate family at Christmas.

We had no idea how the boys would react to this life-altering and unexpected announcement, but it was an incredible moment. Christmas afternoon was filled with joyful shouts, tight hugs, and a hundred “I can’t believe you’re having a BABY” audibles. Later on we shared happy tears, shocked expressions, and laughter with our parents and siblings, that made it a Christmas that will never be forgotten.

………………………..

We looked forward to our 11 week appointment on January 8th to get one more confirmation before broadcasting our news. I had every sign of early pregnancy, and we couldn’t wait to get a peek at our baby again.

Instead of seeing a growing life and a beating heart, we looked at the ultrasound screen in disbelief and devastation, to see an empty placenta measuring 11 weeks.No heartbeat. No tiny baby swimming in my belly. No life.

The heaviness of grief over never getting to meet our child hit us hard as I lay on the table, and I watched Brad in the corner of the darkened room experience the pain of this loss of precious life. The once smiles and elation of our staff turned into many hugs, tears, and “I’m sorries”.  We walked out of the office in shock, filled with unanswered questions, and wondering how we would walk through this unbearable pain.

………………………

I planned on going home and waiting out the end of my pregnancy, but the days became unbearably long. After talking to several others who ended up having traumatic experiences of miscarrying late in the first trimester, we decided to schedule a D&C surgery. I wanted to put the physical part behind us, so that we could concentrate on the emotional impact. Although my D&C procedure went well, I ended up with several weeks of complications that have made the physical aspect of this loss very difficult.

Physically healing is gradually happening, but we are still in the midst the pain that comes with this loss.

We wanted to share this with you all, first to acknowledge this short life that we were able to experience. We are thankful for the gift we were given from the Creator of Life, and we are thankful that he/she is safe in His arms. 

Secondly, we wanted to share this pain with you because we know that we do not walk this road alone. 1 in 5 of you has experienced this incredible loss, and we grieve with you. I can’t begin to tell you how many times we’ve begun to share our story with close friends, who have unveiled their own losses with us.

…………………………….

Over the past few weeks we have wept, we have prayed, we have mourned, and we have struggled with physical healing. We are trudging through this grief one step at a time. We are being vulnerable with you because we know that God can use us through our brokenness, and we pray we can bring glory to Him even through this great sadness. Our lives look different than they did in November, December, or January, and we are trying to ease back into the dreaded “normal”, even though I wish life could stop until healing comes. Or maybe fast-forward through it all. 

Even when we wrestle with what to do with this all we believe in a God who makes no mistakes. A God who is not surprised. A God who sovereignly sees through our grief to a greater purpose. A God who would not waste our tears. A God who really is for us. A God who’s grace abounds in deepest waters

This winter has been so dark, and even the barren trees are a reminder of death. But spring will come along with its beauty. Beauty through death. Beauty through brokenness.

…………………..

Thank you for your continued prayers and support. Thank you for allowing us to be vulnerable and exposed.  Thank you for walking with us. Thank you for allowing us to share this chapter of our lives, and our precious number “5’s” life with you. We have been honestly overwhelmed by your love for our family.

c.s.lewis quote about pain and God's best



 

75 thoughts on "A Chapter to Our Story That We Didn’t Want to Write…"

  1. Megan Tietz says:

    Oh, Jen. I’ve wondered and worried over you, but had no idea that this was what was happening. My heart breaks for you and for the loss of this sweet life. I have no words, but will certainly be holding you close and remembering you to the Lord in prayer.

  2. Mary Beth says:

    Praying for you all as you walk this road. Love and hugs.

  3. So sorry sweet friend. Praying and sending lots of love.

  4. Brittany says:

    <3 xoxo

  5. Ashley @ Simply Designing says:

    Oh I’m so so sorry! Loss is so hard and I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through it.

    Sending many prayers your way.

    Ashley

  6. JessieLeigh says:

    I am so very sorry, for all of you. There are no magical words to make it better– this I know, all too well. But you are loved. And your sweet baby in heaven is loved. And you are all very much in our prayers. xoxo –JL

  7. Crystal says:

    I’ve been where you are more than once. I love you and I am here for you.

  8. Kelli says:

    Oh Jen. I’m so sorry. Praying for your family as you walk this road.

  9. Lacie says:

    Oh Jen,
    Your blog was the first blog I ever read and we had the brief opportunity to meet at Disney…..but through the love of the blogosphere I feel connected to you. I have never experienced the pain of a miscarriage or loss of a child but as a Mama I just can not fathom how horrible it must be. You, your sweet boys and hubby are all in my prayers!

  10. T.J. says:

    Dear Jennifer:

    I don’t know you except through your blog. I just wanted to tell you how my heart aches for you. When I saw that your family was going through a hard time, I did not imagine this pain for you.

    I have had three miscarriages in the last 12 months. The first two losses were very early, but the third was at 10 weeks, after having seen a heartbeat. It was excruciating. My D&C also was much more physically demanding than I ever anticipated. So I can completely understand what you are going through. Well, maybe not completely…nobody can ever understand someone else’s pain.

    I hope you find answers and healing.

  11. Beth says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. Your family is in my prayers.

  12. Mandi says:

    I am so so sorry, Jen. May the peace that passes understanding fill your hearts as you continue to grieve. ❤️

  13. Ben Houle says:

    Jen & Brad –

    So sorry for your loss. You definitely do not walk alone – Sonja & I experienced a similar loss at a similar time in the pregnancy many years ago. It was devastating and something we will never forget. I am glad that you have decided to share it through your channels – there are those who do not understand the impact that this can have and you have done a great job of bringing it to light. Thank you.

  14. Katie says:

    So sorry Jen. I think the most important thing that came from my miscarriage before #2 was that I really did in fact want to have another baby. I was finding myself mourning a child that in the beginning I didn’t want.

    Know that this was not from God. That God does not want death. But he does have a plan for your family going forward and know that it is true and holy and beautiful.

  15. Ruth says:

    No words. Just… {{{HUGS}}}

  16. Gail says:

    Jen…know that you, Brad and your boys will continue to be in my prayers.
    Gail
    Annapolis, MD

  17. Amanda says:

    Oh Jen….I’m so sorry. I knew something was up but this is not what I thought it would be….not in a million years. You’re in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs to you and Brad. xoxo

  18. My precious friends, I am so sorry for your loss. We love y’all so much and are praying for healing and restoration. xoxo

  19. Nicole says:

    Jen… I’ve been reading your blog since the boys were just learning to walk and, although I don’t comment often, I’ve always kept your family in my mind. I’m so sorry for your loss and I wish you all the best in this continued road of recovery. I’ve never experienced such a loss, so I can’t even begin to know how you feel, but being a triplet who’s brothers died before birth, I can tell you that you’re little one will always be watching over you, Brad, and the boys, wherever this journey takes you.
    Hugs & Prayers
    -Nikki

  20. Crystal says:

    I wondered if it was this. Strangely, you are my 4th friend to announce a miscarriage in the last week. Such a strong reminder that in the end, God is the one ultimately in control, and even we as his children don’t get to skip the hard stuff.

    I’m so sorry, Jenn. Hugs and prayers of peace and comfort to you all.

  21. melissa says:

    I’ve been at that same point in pregnancy at an ultrasound with the same result…it’s a difficult experience I’ll never forget and my heart is with you, sweet lady! Be gentle with yourself. I’m so sorry for your loss.

  22. Continuing to pray with you, friend. I am so sorry for your loss and heartbreak. That precious life will never be forgotten and what a blessing for him or her to have YOU as their mama. I was in your place this time last year. Wish I could come help you out and give you a hug!

  23. TammyE says:

    Jen & Brad: So very sorry for your loss. We have been through this and it is rough. May your faith and love for each other bring you comfort.

  24. I am so very, very sorry for your loss. Been praying for you for weeks. You are loved. xo

  25. I’m so sorry, friend. :( Been there twice. Take time to heal.

  26. Kate says:

    I love you.

  27. jodi says:

    Oh Jen,
    my heart breaks for you this afternoon. Praying God will wrap His arms around you and comfort you and your family. Words seem completely inadequate, but know that you are being lifted up to the Father. Take time for yourself and rest & heal with no feelings of guilt.
    hugs

  28. Julie J. says:

    There are no words, only the healing balm of tears that can begin to mend your hearts. God will wrap you in His loving embrace and you will warm to his touch. I will be on my knees.

  29. Stephanie Maxwell says:

    So. Sorry.
    Praying for all of you.
    <

  30. Kathy Bedwell says:

    Oh Brad and Jen and boys and the rest of the family,
    I am so very very sorry for your loss of this precious little one. I’m sure the pain seems unbearable at times, but those are always the times that God gives more grace and peace and more of Himself to sustain and cheer you. Having watched my son and his wife go through the pain of infertility the last 5 years, I understand it well and feel your pain. She has experienced either 5 or 6 miscarriages and 2 D & Cs, as well as multiple other surgeries, drugs, and hospital stays. The emotional pain seems unending and ever-present, and normalcy seems unattainable. But God……..I love those 2 precious words of promise of His presence and providence in our lives, and I pray for you all through this most agonizing of times. Your little angel is right where he/she should be……………in the Lord’s perfect plan and arms. I love you guys.

  31. Susan McCurdy says:

    I’m sorry Jen. I will pray that you will heal physically and emotionally. It’s a tough road of just one foot in front of the other and rising again the next day (or maybe not rising and just resting, but knowing that God will keep his promises.

  32. Cindy Hamilton says:

    Oh Jen,
    I was wondering what was happening, but this never crossed my mind! So very, very sorry for your loss. My heart aches for the joy I know you felt during those first few weeks. And the agony of grief that followed. While my circumstances were different I know the pain you are going through all too well. I also know that our God is big enough to understand whatever you are feeling, be it sadness, confusion, anger, fear. He is our refuge and comfort and I am praying that He will give you His peace as you continue this journey. It is so very hard when we don’t understand His ways, but as you well know He is so worthy of our trust! Hugs to you all! Love you sister!!
    Cindy

  33. Michele England says:

    Praying that the peace of God that we cannot even comprehend will be with you and your family in the days to come. I am so sorry ya’ll are having to go through this.

  34. Terri says:

    Very sorry for the loss of the sweet baby. My heart hurts for you all. I cried while reading your story today. I had been so worried. I will be praying for God’s healing: In Jen’s body, and in ALL your hearts. I have been following your story from Sparks, NV, since the boys were very little! Love your blog.

  35. Ann-Marie says:

    ((hugs)) to you, you are not alone. Thank you for sharing your journey.

  36. Jamie says:

    ❤️❤️❤️

  37. Savanha Throckmorton-Phillips says:

    Praying for you. May the Lord comfort you.

  38. Debbie says:

    Oh Jen I have been praying for and thinking of you all, I knew something sad was going on but I did not expect this. Not only am I sad this happened but I know God is sad too and yes He will use your pain for others. I have always admired your vulnerability especially now. Continued prayers coming your way

  39. DEBBIE IN GRAYSON says:

    It breaks my heart to read this there is no bigger loss than one of a child. I am glad you shared this so we can all pray for you and your family. Be still and feel the power of all the prayers being said for you, feel Gods arms cradling you in His love.

    Prayers!

  40. How precious are you in the sight of God & in my eyes, too. I know this must have taken every fiber of your being to write. God will use it – for your healing & the healing of others.

    My prayers have abounded again and again. Words of comfort seem cliche and fall short of my heart for you. Sending virtual hugs instead. <3.

  41. Callie says:

    I too have walked this journey, and I grieve with you, lifting you up to our God full of grace and compassion!

  42. Oh Jen, I am so sorry to hear this news. I wasn’t sure what to expect but I’m certain that this news took me by surprise. I’m so sorry for your loss – you, Brad and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

  43. Sheryl Stelzer says:

    That inexplicable joy followed by the sorrow of a deep loss. I can totally relate having had 2 miscarriages myself between my 2 children. All I can think of is God has sent a “gift” on ahead and one day every one of us who have experienced this kind of loss will be greeted by that child who was spared the pain and sorrow that life here on earth brings because of sin. Perhaps God is keeping his best surprise for us until we land on heaven’s shore one day. May God heal your heart and give you a joyful hope that one day you WILL be re-united with your child. Praying for you and your family.

  44. Miranda @ A ThankFULL Heart says:

    I’m so terribly sorry. I will be praying for you, Brad, & the boys. <3 <3

  45. Jen, I am so very, very sorry for your loss. I am grateful for the sweet little person who is now at home forever with the Lord. What a privilege it was for you to bring that precious soul into life, but what pain in loss. May God bless you richly as you walk a difficult road and choose to give glory to Him in every circumstance.

  46. Julie says:

    It always feels funny to leave a comment because I don’t know you IRL, but we are sisters in Christ and I will know you IRL someday. :)

    I am so very sorry for your loss ~ all of you.

    We lost number 5 to miscarriage also ~ our only time conceiving on our own in almost 25 years of marriage when our triplets were 3 (they’ll be 10 next month.) We told our kids and our families too and were so very excited (and kind of proud of ourselves.) :)

    His peace and comfort to you and your family.

  47. Elyse says:

    Jen and Brad,
    My heart aches for you both as you have to stomach and deal with this loss. It is a loss, even so little in time, and I can not tell you how to feel or why. It will not be easy and each day will be different. You are in my thoughts and prayers as you both go through this journey.

  48. Emily says:

    I’m so, so sorry for your heartbreaking loss. I pray you’ll continue to be surrounded by people who will bless and uplift you during this time of grief. After my losses and during my struggle with IF, I found great comfort among at the online Christian support group called Hannah’s Prayer Ministries, and they continue to be like sisters to me. I pray you’ll find the support you need.

  49. Julie says:

    Jen and Brad…my heart goes out to you and you are in my prayers. Thank you for sharing your heartache and as you say, you are not alone. As others have said I have worried about you…

    As one who has struggled with infertility followed by a loss of twins at 22 weeks (1.15.04), I know the pain you are experiencing. From my heart to yours I am so very sorry.

    Holding you close in thoughts and prayers. One day at a time…just keep breathing.

  50. Michele C says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

  51. Krissy says:

    You have my most heartfelt sympathy. I confess to checking your blog very frequently for updates as I was concerned about your health…prayers are coming your way from Pittsburgh, PA.

  52. Pam Johnston says:

    You have been in my thoughts and prayers and will continue to be, such a hard loss, my heart hurts. A friend in East Texas, Pam.

  53. Kim L says:

    You are in my thoughts and prayers. A book suggestion for you.
    Sunshine after the Storm
    http://www.amazon.com/Sunshine-After-Storm-Survival-Grieving-ebook/dp/B00FSX5OEQ

  54. Kami Crisanti says:

    Jen, I’m so sorry for your loss (for all of you)
    That’s the exact story of our first pregnancy (before Maya and today’s her 12th birthday) we lost that first one at 12 weeks.
    Every other successful pregnancy I had ended in a m/c.
    LIfting you up in continued to prayers.
    The Lord giveth and The Lord taketh away….Blessed be the name of the Lord! xoxo

  55. Mariette says:

    So sorry to hear of this news. I have walked this journey of loss also… expecting to see our little one swimming around at just under 13 weeks, only to be told the baby had died recently… the grief journey was difficult for many reason… and healing took a long time. Having also experienced several other miscarriages, the cumulative grief became difficult… i found that the support of a GriefShare (christian based) group was key to moving through the grief…. and may be something to consider… He gives and takes away… but my heart still chooses to say… Lord Blessed be your name !

  56. Oh sweet Jen. I am praying for you and Brad and your precious boys. Loss and grief are just hard … and there are moments when the sadness overwhelms. Dear friend, it’s okay to deeply feel every bit of that sorrow. I pray you give yourself the time and grace you need to heal — inside and out. I wish I were there to hug you tight and hand you a tissue. Much, much love from north Alabama! Teri Lynne

  57. Danielle Barton says:

    My heart aches for you. I’ve been there and I don’t think others who haven’t experienced it, know just what a heart ache it is. So very very sorry for you loss. YOu and your family are in my prayers

  58. sl says:

    Your and your family have been in my prayers. I do not have a blog. I have followed your blog thru the years from KY. Praying for your family. So very sorry for your loss.

  59. RQ says:

    I am so Sorry for your Loss. You and your family will be in my thoughts and Prayers. God Bless you all.

  60. Diane says:

    Jen – My heart aches for you and your family. I am a follower of your blog and am inspired by your posts.
    Another book suggestion for you (it helped me)

    Empy Arms: Coping After Miscarrge, Stillbirth and Infant Death
    http://www.amazon.com/Empty-Arms-Coping-Miscarriage-Stillbirth/dp/0960945660

  61. Darcy Wiley says:

    I hardly know what to say except I’m sad with you. It is hard enough to fear this kind of loss, but to endure it after all of the other hurts….heartrending. I’m praying for you and Brad and the boys as you grieve the absence of this precious family member. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing so we know how to pray. You are loved!

  62. Diane Carson says:

    I just wanted you to know that I am so sorry for your loss. I, too experienced 2 miscarriages and it hurts terribly. You are all in my prayers.

  63. Julie says:

    We lost our first baby at 11 weeks. It’s a pain I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. So sorry to hear. You’re not alone though. Prayers for healing and peace to you all.

  64. Catherine says:

    I have no words and I am heartbroken for you. Praying for your family as I cannot do much more. God bless you all.

  65. Abby says:

    jen, thank you so much for sharing your story. emily basile just shared this post with me. i miscarried on january 26 and am still in the process physically and emotionally. i was so thankful to have read your honest and encouraging words. the Lord truly has been our Rock and hope during these long weeks. “He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters.” psalm 18:16.

  66. Cindy says:

    I am so sorry to read this news. I am praying that God will somehow hold your pain and tears as well as give you peace in the midst. As a woman who was unable to have children, I feel deeply both your initial joy and complete heartbreak. Thank you for being brave and sharing your burden. Your family is being prayed for!

  67. Mel says:

    My heart breaks for you sweet friend. I will continue to lift you all up in prayer!

  68. MM says:

    I am so sorry. We also had a missed miscarriage, where everything was fine at 8 wk ultrasound but found out at our 12 wk appt that we had lost the baby, also ending in a D&C. Certainly know that you aren’t alone and I hope God gradually brings peace to your heart.

  69. Drea says:

    Im so sorry :( Just now reading this… I miscarried our 1st born … I was just at 11 weeks when we found out and it was exactly 1 day after we had announced to our entire family/church that we were expecting. For weeks following I still had people asking me when I was due. It was a very crushing experience that took me many years to recover from :( – so sorry :( – no words really can make it better… ill say a prayer for you and your family…

  70. Rebecca says:

    Sending so much love to you all! We also lost a twin pregnancy when our girls were 3 years old. It is so sweet though that our girls know they have brothers and sisters in heaven, we count all the embryos we lost. ♡♡♡

  71. Greis says:

    Oh, friend, I’m so sorry! Will be keeping you all in my thoughts. Miss you!

  72. Diane says:

    Jen~ my heart aches for you and the loss you are experiencing. I will be praying God’s peace and comfort would be so keenly known by you. My heart still aches for my baby girl, but God has so tenderly and faithfully shown me how to live fully with the hurt. God Bless you, Brad, and your sweet boys.

  73. Heather L. says:

    Oh Jen and Brad I am so sorry!!! I just now found this and am so sorry for this loss and heartache. Rejoicing with you in the precious life you were given and yet grieving that life on this earth was so very short. May God continue to pour out His loving kindness on all of you. Michael and I will be praying for you all.

  74. Rachel says:

    I’m so sorry.

    I too wonder if this very thing will happen for us some day. Not that we are planning on it…

    We lost our first baby Eleanna at 21 weeks. It’s so hard. It never really stops hurting…just not a severe.

    Every child is such a blessing no matter how long or short their time with us is. I love the book heaven is real for this subject.

    Take care and know your precious 5 is in heaven with all the sweet babies that have gone before and will be there to greet you when you join our lord.

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